30 Something Trials & Tribulations

The whole point of creating ‘NonMom’ started out as two things:

1. To blog and talk about kids and show that even though I don’t have any (and I’m not the only one out there who doesn’t) I can share the knowledge I have picked up to help out others like me so that relating to friends and family who do is just that little bit easier

2. To write about how life is going for us marrieds or the singles out there who are struggling to make our mark and finding it difficult to do so

Keeping all of that in mind, I’ll talk about the second point today.

I must say my 30’s have been anything BUT smooth sailing and I’m really finding some days very difficult. I know we’re supposed to focus on the positives but there are days when that is really really hard to do. I have amazing girlfriends who could not be more supportive and I hope that I return the favour to them. My core group, and we all have one, pretty much all grew up together (you know who you are) and while some of us are scattered globally now, we have kept in touch or at the very least float in and out of each others lives. I think these floating times are usually timed for a reason and are something I know I treasure.

We all have our separate lives but in our own ways are all finding difficulties in areas of our lives. For some it’s the job and we’re not happy with it, for others they may seem like they have it all but really they have frustrations, they’re just better at hiding it and for still others it’s what direction to go in to be responsible like we were raised to be but finding it exceedingly difficult to do.

I know for me the pressures include yes, the big question, to be a parent or not to be a parent. If you know me at all you know how much I ADORE the munchkins. I have never EVER doubted that my friends who have them work their butts off to take care of them and every single one of them tells me how even though this work is never-ending they wouldn’t have it any other way. I can see it, I can even feel it for them sometimes. But can I do it? Can I actually pull that off and be that primary caregiver 24-7? I’m still not sure. And neither are many of my friends.

We know that the friends with kids don’t for a second mean to put pressure on us and exclude us and that they are the same person, just with a lot less sleep and an extra person hanging out with them all the time. I make it a personal priority to be a listening post for a particular friend when she needs an outside perspective on things. I cherish our chats, I think she feels the same way. She knows that with me she can talk about things other than diapers and sleep deprivation. I love hearing about the kids and her pregnancy and I worry about her and I know she worries about me, it’s truly a treasured friendship, very Anne and Diana (Anne of Green Gables, yeah, LOVE that book and movie).

We’re both struggling in our own ways, her with work and kids and what to do when the second one arrives and me with work and hubby and what on earth to do about it. She keeps me in balance when we talk and I hope I do the same for her.

We both acknowledge that our pressures are equal, but different. And it works. As a NonMom I run into a lot of new parents who insist that the pressures they are facing are far worse than anything I could possibly face as a NonMom. I try to simply smile and nod but there are days when I get tired of hearing that my problems are marginal compared to theirs. Now, before you jump all over me, I do have friends who legitimately have way bigger problems than me and I do my darndest to help in any way I can, but us non-parents do occasionally get our backs up when told we don’t matter or our troubles are trivial when a matter of months (in some cases) ago you shared our same issues and didn’t think so little of them then.

It’s a lot of pressure on us too to see our friends change and to find less common ground between us when there used to be an abundance.

I’m very very lucky in that my core friends and I don’t seem to have this separation, but when we’re in, we’ll call them satellite groups, we feel it.

I’m not ranting here, I’m just writing my thoughts as they flow, I’m not out to annoy anyone in the least, I just want to write about our troubles and how we deal and keep pushing forward.

After all, while I don’t have kids, I’m still very much about my little family of my wonderful hubby and our two beautiful bouncing baby boys, our cats. We may not be the standard definition of a family, but I assure you, my cats think they’re kids and, let’s be honest, so does my hubby some days. And we do family things, we do puzzles ( I cannot tell you how much I love that JiGaZo), we go to the zoo, we go for Sunday drives.

So I ask you, the reader, how do you deal with the pressures? A good cup of coffee at a favourite coffee shop? A great book to cuddle up with? Retail therapy? I want to know. Me? All of the above.

 

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5 Responses

  1. It isn’t always easy to be a NonMom in a Mommy world, especially when you are not a NonMom by choice. 😦 However, we all just try to live well with the hand we have been dealt, and you are right, good friends make all the difference (but oh wouldn’t life be easier if people would stop asking you when you are going to have children???) So, how do I deal with the pressures? I find joy in the things I love to do – cook and bake and sew and write and blog, and my favourite – come up with a whole bunch of new projects for myself!!!

  2. And you do indeed rock with your projects!!!
    How do I love that question too, let me count the ways LOL. It’s not entirely a choice for me at the moment either but for different reasons, me and my ever practical brain and stressing strikes again.

    I started a pressure project the other day, a bag for my netbook, I’ll post pics, you’ll be so proud of me!!! Sewing and crochet all in one! 🙂

  3. I think this is one of the most honest posts you’ve written – and this is the Amy I know and love.
    To weigh-in from the other perspective (and this is so clearly NOT directed at you, just to be clear). As a mom, I’ve struggled so much to define who I am as a person – as a mom, of course, but also as an individual who happens to have kids.
    Can I be honest and say that I’m really freaking sick of the perspective people have that my life is perfect because I have a husband, 2 kids, a house and 2 cats. Yes. I value what I have an appreciate it, but it’s hard.
    I can’t tell you how much I wish sometimes I could leave work early and go home to an empty house and watch Oprah. Or take a sick day and be sick.
    Or just for once have someone understand that sometimes it sucks to feel terrified of changing anything in my life (i.e. job) because I have so many people relying on me.
    I became a mom younger than I anticipated and despite all of the many wonderful amazing parts of it, lately I just feel so discouraged by so much.
    And, honestly. When you have one kid people ask when you’re having a second. When you have the second and say you’re done – people think you either don’t like your second child, or you are having some sort of physical issue and can’t have anymore.
    Wow. Sorry for the vent.
    But, yeah. I get it.
    In answer to your question … I drink (vodka or coffee depending on the time of day)

  4. Hey Laural!
    Thank you!!!! As always, you make me smile! 🙂
    As my special ‘latte’ friend, you know I’m always here and happy to give you a break or share a latte or, yeah, vodka works too!
    I know you’ve struggled and I only hope I’ve been able to give you a smile when I could.
    Big hugs!!

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